And the Flowers Are Still Standing
- Post By: Jason Santo
- Date:
- Category: life
50.
There’s never been a more daunting birthday than this one. I lost a lot of sleep in the months leading up to this milestone, and my mental and physical health have both felt burdened. I’m not sure where to go in life at this point. There are no real goals. There are no real desires. Life’s just a series of days playing out with an inevitable end somewhere closer than the horizon.
That sounds dour, and I suppose it is in actuality, dour. Maybe it’s the missteps that have me in a twist? I’m unsure, but I will admit that if 49 were summarized it’s be known as the age of employment ambivalence. First, there was the place I worked down in Waltham with its “reductions in force” and a previous owner that labeled it as “in a tailspin” in a LinkedIn post. The day I began my new job in Beverly, I heard the previous place was hit with a multi-million dollar copyright infringement judgement. They were already treading water, so it was no surprise when a few weeks later there was an even more significant “reduction” and, soon after, they were bought out.
At least I can say I had the foresight to jump and pull the ripcord. Unfortunately, I parachuted into a situation that, while not as tenuous, somehow proved to be even more fraying for my nerves. As I type this, I’ve handed in my notice at my Beverly job and I’m not sure what’s next. I’ve never done something like this, but I know that I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t want to be stressed out and unhappy every day. And that’s what I’ve been for a while now. Too long, to be perfectly candid.
I suppose I should feel a sense of relief that I took matters into my own hands and have assumed agency over my destiny. It’s just jobs, but I’ve long felt beholden to my employers, and while it has made me a very good employee, it’s made me a bitter, frustrated, and tired old man. And as I have one teenager and one younger child – plus an incredible wife – to live for, I’d better do what I can to relax.
There’s an iron in the fire, so I’m striking, but it’s unclear whether it’ll take shape in any reasonable way. I could very well be unemployed soon, and if that’s the case, so be it. I’m going to try not to lose sleep over it because regardless of what happens, the people who love me in my life will continue to do so. I’ve often been deathly afraid of abandonment, that somehow my perceived failures in one area or another might result in those I care most about fleeing from me. It’s a preposterous believe, and yet it’s long been a tentpole of my reality, upholding the veil through which I’ve view most everything in my 50 years.
But I’m kicking down that tentpole and dropping the veil. Maybe that means I’m seeing things clearly for the first time, or perhaps I’ve just duped myself into a justification for professional immaturity.
Could I have stayed at both of those jobs, or the one that preceded them? Yes.
Did I leave because I couldn’t control how I felt about the work, the people and the businesses? Also yes.
Were those decisions the best for both myself and my family? The jury there is out, although they say that when you take care of yourself, you’re in a better mindset to take care of others.
I suppose we’ll see if there’s any validity to that soon enough.
So, this is me seizing the tablecloth with both hands and giving it a supremely hard tug. What’s left on the table apparently doesn’t matter as much as the need to rip away what was beneath it all. But let’s hope most everything that really needs to be there still is.